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Going friends only

From now on my posts will be friends only. If you want to be added just comment ^_^;


Neko has been doing a lot of these so i wanted to do one too!!

Just for the heck of it!Collapse )




Starting to say goodbye to people as they head home. Crying a lot this last week.
Yesterday was the last Drama night with Jennifer since she left today. Last night was also the farewell nomikai for CESA T-T i am really really going to miss them too! I have gotten so use to Thursdays and randomly texting Jun-kun lol like when i was heading out to Utsunomiya I basically told him i was bored on the train and he needed to entertain me hehe ^^

I was a hard time for me cause i am so weak when it comes to late night... 10pm really i am ready to hit the pillow and sleep ^^;;; The Cesa party was fun! though we came in after the Nomikai so more people were drunk already hehe ^^ We then went to all night karaoke... so much fun and the only all nighter i have pulled here. I wanted to do it once and why not with some of my favorite people hehe Neko was there too so almost all of my fav people were were there! ^^

there were two karaoke rooms those who thought the really hyper drunks were too much went into one room and the others sang in the other one. At one point i went to get a pan that neko bought me for dinner in the crazy room and ended up getting kissed by Yui-senpai as i walked in lol

It was fun! For some reason i made it through the night just fine there were like 4 of us who weren’t falling asleep ^^ Jun-kun was one of them too. After we got breakfast at Mciecheese and Neko and I had to go. They gave us a thankyou card board thing with a picture of all of us at the last meeting. Mine had a bunny and sailor moon drawn on it and Nekos had Luna ^^ They also me a rabbit pen and phone strap and Neko got kitty ones...
I feel bad about saying goodbye... i couldnt move i didnt want to cry and i hug Hitomi who started to cry some and Shinko-chan i said i was taking with me ^-^ But i could move when Neko was going around giving hugs... i didnt want to cry in front of them. I knew if i hugged Jun-kun or Oni-chan and said goodbye i would just start crying and most likely not get the words out... like when i said goodbye to Alecs... As we walked away i started crying... we were down the block and they were all still standing there waving goodbye... even now writing this i am starting to cry again.

I went back home got a few hours of sleep and woke to say bye to Jennifer. I knew i would have to help her with her luggage cause for some reason i can handle heave suitcases one stairs lol. Anyway.... it was like a dream... we walked down the street to catch a taxi for her and one was coming up the street to her... it was strange. We loaded her up said out goodbye and had a group hug. we all started crying.

I am really going to miss Jennifer! We watched Gokusen together... saturday drama night! T-T We went to Hokkaido which... i dont know if i made the best impression then... -_- but i think she is amazing and hope i can keep in touch with her over the years. I am going to miss her coming over to see Neko in my room and ending up talking about random stuff because she didnt want to go back to her room to study ^^ Here i go again crying!

Its all hitting me so hard right now...I was thinking back if i ever had to say goodbye before and... i cant remember a time... friends i have had in the past i just disappeared from and stopped talking to. No fights no one deciding they didnt want to be friends anymore or make up... just no contact. I dont think i was as close to them as i am with the people i am meeting now. I also lost a lot (my best friend and my aunt) this year and it just adds up... i know this will past and i wont lose the people who truly mean something to me. or at least thats what Neko keeps telling me =)

At least for a couple days i have a break from tears...4 more days...

my weekend of fun at last

WOW!! the last few days have been amazing!!!
First i went to my last ONE OK ROCK concert...

i am going to miss them so much!

Again i am short which is not good for all standing (・_・;) all i could see was Alex who saw me when they arrived at the live house he cant look away...
so after i was dizzy and the staff who had been standing next to me the whole show asked if i was ok and kept an eye on me as i waited for it to pass.

i got a melon soda when i could walk and went outside.

As i waited and looked for brooke a girl who talked to me at another con came to talk to me. 一期一会 right!

we talked for 20 minutes or more. in japanese too! kele proud! she asked if i meet with the band and who i liked. i said i didnt have the courage to approach them. she said i should since it was the last con. after she went back to her friends one of her friends gave me a bottle of tea.

after a while i got a message from Jun kun and he told me to go talk to the band

i opened my phone to look at the time. i have a pic thing that will randomly pick a band member. it landed on Toru. i looked up and Toru was standing in front of me looking at me. after a second he walked by me.

Miki san came back to me.i told her how toru appeared with the pic on my phone and as i showed her Toru appeared again on the pic. we laughed and her friend who gave me the tea came to see what we were laughing at. i showed her and again toru appeared LOL. two other girls asked Miki and her friends for pens and they ran after Toru for an autograph. They got it as Toru headed back from the vending machine.

i wished i had their courage!

a van pulled up and the band came out to load it with equiptment. the two girls with Toru's autograph asked for pens and the girl who gave me tea gave me on and ordered me to go with the other girls. together we would have courage maybe.

we walked up to them and as Taka signed something for one of the girls he started backing in to me so i put my hand on his shoulder to stop him.
i couldnt open the black marker and the girl trying to help had a white one. i took it and the only thing i could think of to have signed was my phone
ヽ(゜▽ ゜)ノ
i called out to taka he turned around and a smile came across his face. and after saying onegaishimasu he sign my phone! as he did i heard him say finally under his breath o(^-^)o LOL

i dont know how to protect it so it wont come off!

Then i went to KATTUN today!! hehe Nanagami still smiles on me. I realized my seats were 49 and 50... 49 is 7x7 and well today is 7/7 and all that... 7 had been chasing me all day.

We had row 6 seats!!! from the main big stage! did suck a bit when they were middle stage or back stage but the Jrs kept us company when they were gone hehe.

WOW!! it didnt take long for all 6 KATTUN members to notice the two gaijins before them hehe. I had Koki's fan and Neko had Junno's. I would say the most attention came from Kame. He kept looking over and during the MC i could tell he was looking over at us to see if we were following it. (Whole thing about Jin's BD and only Kame sending him a BD message. Maru being so nervous about pluging his upcoming solo work so kawaii!!!!)

Lots of love from KMF2 and ABC lol love the JRS!

But the best thing was at the end Koki was walking by and he saw me with his fan and this time he pointed in a Yeah thats right! kind of way and after they were throwing out their sign boards and things koki held onto one till he was on front of me again. We were jumping and saying KATTUN over and over and he was watching me. He then bent down a little as his eyes locked mine and threw out the sign board... which went 2 rows behind me i looked back and he had his silly sheepish grin on his face for over throwing. LOL

i have little time on the comp so thats all i can get too! ^^

time going fast

yo! time goes fast when you dont have a lot to do.

I got arena seats to KATTUN!!! ^^ i am happy about that!

money problems i has them bluh i should learn one day.

dealing with my aunts passing is coming and going. sometimes something hits me and i cry but i have been doing good lately. Though yesterday my mom messaged me after waiting for a few weeks to hear back and she asked if i wanted anything that was my aunts. I started crying in ikebukuro... silly thing to do... but yesterday i needed someone so i emailed L-kun and he really came through. See i dont really find it easy to turn to someone and say hey this happened and i am sad or this happened to me and i need help. i took a chance yesterday.

Lkun told me to see the movie i was going to see (Indiana Jones) then he would met me at the theater and take me home. He had plans and he put them off so he could be there for me...

It was a chance that paid off. Even Jun-kun says that if anything happens i can talk to him. I believe it.

only a month left...

Neko has been great letting me on her comp from time to time... i am really greatfull!! anyway my mom is online talking to me now and its been a while


pain + one = happiness

another week @-@

my aunt died on sunday well my time. I was hanging out with some new friends heading to an onsen in odaiba when i checked my email on my phone from my mom.  i really just wanted to go to my apartment and sit in my room because i really didnt want to cry in front of anyone but i thought going to onsen would be a good way to destract myself so i went and had fun. i got home just around midnight or so and cried as soon as i got in my apartment.

my first thought a few weeks ago was when this happened to drop everything and go to the beach... no care for class or anything. but i went to class i was a little out of it with lack of sleep but i did fine... though baseballs senseis class sucked because i wasnt in the mood to socialize with the people in the class who were being made to talk to me.

after i tried to fix my computer again.... something is really wrong and i think its more then windows because it wont load the windows disk anymore... i think a part of it like video card or something over heated...i think that because it only shows me things on the sceen when its been off long enough to cool down

with all that i was in a bit of a mood and got called on it by neko who i told that my aunt passed the day before. i still dont know why i cant just let myself ask for help when i need it but i am getting better with it ^^ she gave me a hug and since she was on her way back to her apartment for the night. i cried again after that. though i was able to sleep last night so i have hopes that its a sign things are going to get better.

bluh that being said im in my class 20 minutes early to work on my speech... havent worked on it yet lol been here for almost 30mins hehe internet!! i needs it!

i was working on a translation from a magazine with an article on one ok rock too.... its on my comp.... my comp needs to work again!!!

an update

lol not really interesting! i havent been doing much i realize that when i went to meet someone i dont know at snoopy town in harajuku last weekend. its been gone for two months lol guess i havent been out much hehe

though it was great running around with someone i didnt know who was only a friend of friend who i had only met that friend once anyway. i had fun and realized the old me wouldnt have done that. ^^

another reason why im so quiet is because my laptop forgot it has windows... meaning it used to tell me the windows reg is missing or messed up and now it only gives me a black screen when i turn it on >-<
right now ive finally made it into the pc room at school... i really miss translating and things online...

bluh anyway! here is to the future!.... and i hope a working computer

Nobody knows STORY Tell it to me SLOWLY

another update! ^^

I'm trying to get more into translation at the moment. i started with ONE OK ROCK's blog and worked on KAT-TUN's new song cause i just fell in love with the lyrics. From how i saw the song and translated it it hit home. Sounds like a boyfriend or lover trying to get his girlfriend to open up and trust him more with her past. So sweet! ^^;;;

I can't wait to see it live and sing it in Karaoke ^^;;;

That being said wow... i hate jetcoasters esp when its the emotional kind ^^;;; i had a bad morning the other day and kind of freaked a little. After a while i realized that well i'm different in how i see things.
I never really opened up to people about how i see things and when it came down to it i just labeled myself a doormat and ignored everything.

Life has left me with raw nerve endings. I've only talked to a few people about how i felt about something and well only J-kun and L-kun seemed to see where i was coming from. strangely enough guys which i have to say that makes me laugh ^^;;

It's really strange though to think... being selfless and always thinking about others is something that makes me a bad person... i thought before i was a good person but it seems my perception is wrong. Someone like me becomes an eyesore.

I have been hurt a lot in life and it left me not wanting to chase after people for their attention. an example a group of three; two talking together walking far ahead the third person. in my eyes as the third person i am hurt, why am i there if the don't seem to notice or care that i'm not with them? People i have asked said to keep up and keep jumping into the conversation and that the person not keeping up with the group is a little annoying for not doing so. I don't feel like chasing but i'm hurt all the same... then that fact bothers others also hurt... my selfish self wants to scream... why are you upset?? i'm hurt and sad but you're angry because it's putting you out??

It's no wonder how confused i am! I used to just ignore myself and how i felt then people in my life told me to be stronger speak up more and that just made me more annoying to them. The average person doesn't care how others feel. It might be the fact they added a friend on facebook who their friend was hurt by. no thought of the friend or how they would feel about it. (esp since they didnt like that person anyway...-_-) bluh

It's strange i talked to someone who walked out of my life and was told how great and wonderful life is now for her. Yes my first feeling was wow i'm depressed cause life isnt at its best anymore esp since your not really in it and you tell me this... but then a second later i was happy for her, that was the reason she left anyway so things would be better for her

Though learning that you were right and someone's life is better without you, which you've feared for a long long time, i guess no one would take that well...

I'm going out today i think to buy another kanji textbook for class and i hope end up at karaoke . I haven't gotten on the train or really gone anywhere in two weeks. i'm looking forward to it ^^

Oh well reminding myself i'm different might help ^_^;

i want to feel the beating in my chest

I really want to sleep... a good nights sleep like i used to have. i don't want to have my eyes closed waiting for hours for sleep to come. thinking, "I really can't believe it... i'll never see her again... i can't help take care of her..." or turning from side to side thinking on someone else "is there something i can say that can make things better? stupid it's best to let her have what she wants and leave her alone and shame on you"

for the last few days i've been sick really sick and even before i got sick i had been fighting a fever for weeks. i wanted to be sick hoping that the meds might help me sleep but when it came down to it ... it didn't

i give up i seriously give up. I want to give up in the "that way isn't trying so i'm going to try another way and have it work" way... if that makes sense. I want to give up worrying about things. I give up with school right now... i can't... i need to find a way though... i just can't... i also can't give up either *sigh*

fight-o! i know i'll feel better when i'm over this bad cold.

though i did get tickets to see L'arc in June ^___^ happy it'll be great to see them again.

And just watched Masi Oka on Cartoon KAT-TUN! that was the best esp the beatboxing ^_^

i'm going to try and sleep but wanted to post on the first day of the month
i thought those lyrics fit with how I feel at the moment.

I realized with school starting again that i don't have enough focus or energy to be in classes right now. I was once the brightest in the class and now am the least. My brain just isn't working. I'm not sure what to do about it... it's not like i don't know how to answer the questions in class when called upon it's just my mind is blank. Making stupid mistakes and things *sighs* I just don't know...

I think it might be worse at the moment because things are not going well for my aunt and it should be within the next week that she will pass. My mom is talking of hospice care and all this... I'm scared everytime my phone goes off or i get an email. It's really becoming real even though I've worked through it some... though at the same time it doesn't seem real. The last time i got to talk to my aunt she got of the phone so i wouldn't be emotional and i feel guilty about that... i already think she's at the stage i wouldn't be able to talk to her on the phone now... 2 months of not sleeping well i guess adds into it too...

I have to say Neko-chan has been great sitting with me and keeping me company. Yesterday we went to Tokyo Dome and then bought hair dye on a whim. We are watching Heroes together and Bones. I know i really scared her when she saw me after her guest went back home... She picked me up though and dusted me off. ^^

Though I realized the other day when things turned bad I really wanted company but i couldn't bring myself to ask Neko since she already had plans... -_- i know it's ok to ask for help but...

I just don't know... i know i'm saying that alot... really i don't want to go to class right now...I don't want to sit in my room doing nothing also... i don't want anything i think -_- Today i was so frustrated in class i was close to walking out so i could go home and cry... but i didn't i stuck with it. I have class on monday which should be a movie or something and then no school for Golden Week. i really need to get back to writing i think...

I just really hate this feeling right now... I want to be alone not go anywhere not see anyone but at the same time more so then not I want to be with someone i want to do something!

That being said today I got my ISEP payment and took it out to apply for KAT-TUN's concert in Shizuoka and pay my phone bill and things. It felt good to send in the application. I hope neko and I get the two shows we want to see.

Also tomorrow i'm trying to call in for tickets and wednesday ONE OK ROCK's next gig goes on sale too. After that I'm going to try for 2 more OOR shows that are far outside Tokyo though i really need to see if i can afford it...

That's all good cause well concerts are my happy place.